IN THE DINING ROOM, ON PC TALKING TO A WEBCAM
Sod: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hellooooo? (Checks her top and hair in the camera) Now, I shouldn’t mix my P and F. … P…P…P…F…F…F
Oh hi, hi, hi. Aye, my name is Sod.
… That’s “S…O… D”. … Well, it’s quite usual where I come from!!
(listens for a few seconds)
You can’t see me? Oh, bugger, the camera not working then.
Och, you want me to tell you about myself? Oh no! …. Well, I was born in … 1973 as the 10th child to my parents in Outer Mongolia where my mother mothered me and my father fathered me.
…Pardon? … No, no I’m not taking the fish. (Imitates Little Britain phrase) I am the only Mongolian in the village, you know.
(listens for the next question)
… Why do I want this job? … Well, you know because I really like Scotland. The men are handsome and punny. I also loooove pish and ships. (A toddler starts to appear in the background) (turns to the toddler) Go, watch TV, Sopie. GO! (Turns to the PC) Next question!
… Aah you want to know why I’m ferpect for the job?……..well…….you know…. I’m good at juggling everything at the same time. Por example, (tries Scottish accent badly) just noo I’m breaspeeding my baby and talking to you. Some people can’t get this breastfeeding pavlova, you know… (lifts the baby and shows) Look there he is, my bundle of boy! …Oh that’s right. You can’t see us.
Also… I’m berry organised. I also know how to keep things in my piles. … In the oppice, you have to keep everything in chickenholes, right?
(listens) Pardon? …. Aye, I can work with people. Some people think I can’t make jokes. … I mean… What a pavlova!